“Sometimes I feel as all sense has left my life.I hardly even know myself. But somehow, suddenly I feel like I know this world. It is hard and cold and dark and lawless. Its face is fierce and bestial and the only face i have with which to glare back at it is utterly inadequate.
You think you know fear. But truth is you don’t know fear half as well as it knows you. It’s part chemical and part psychogenic. It’s instinctive, and also something you learn. Something you cultivate and practice hiding beneath other feelings. Like anger. You can conquer fear, if you are willing to look at it for what it is. Few are. Few ever truly gaze into their fear, their pain. Fewer still embrace it. I don’t enjoy fear but I have learned to respect it. But I still dont have a face as feral as the one life has shown me. I am still hiding. Still hoping for courage and counting on luck.
The world is not particularly sane. Predictability here is a complex calculation between logical occurrences and dubious motives. While destiny is the elusively simple matter of becoming who you are. It takes committed effort to choose a path of order in a chaotic world. It is not an arbitrary decision and it is more then moral. It’s about identity. As long as you can choose that. Choose who you are in the world. You can choose to call yourself sane.
When I finally understand my fear, I will take another look at this world. I will go out to learn how to be strong enough to face it. And accept it for what it is, without flinching. One day I will choose the face to wear outside. One day I will meet life’s gaze.”